There is no household that is free from conflict. According to the Great Dictionary of Indonesian Language, conflict is a squabble, strife, conflict. In the frame of households, there are many reasons that can cause conflict. Differences in mindset, upbringing, culture, education patterns, etc..
Conflict in the household level can vary from a mild level, until the level of heavy. Starting from only determines what television programs to watch, until the form of child care that will be applied.
However, if managed properly, a conflict will not necessarily be able to create a schism nor a big impact for both partners.
In my opinion, there are two approaches that can be done to be able to manage conflict is a matter that will only add to the goodness in the family.
Prevention of preventive or
First, have the love
Ustadz LC Anis Matta once said that love is a complete acceptance of the couple, including its advantages and disadvantages. That way, we become a realist, that our spouse is not an angel without a disability, no reproach, with complete acceptance of this we can also provide a space large enough to be able to compromise with the existing differences.
Second, with the intention of entering the gates of marriage because God alone
Marriage is one of the Sunnah of the Prophet SAW. By making the basis of religion as one form the foundation of marriage, there is more strength that can withstand turmoil Inshallah conflict.
For this reason, the men diwanti-warned by the Prophet in order to choose a spouse with emphasis on religious factors before the factors of beauty, family, and possessions. Neither the woman's guardian, the scholars warned that they marry off their daughters / who are in perwaliannya, with boys who both have a certain character.
A man once asked Hasan ibn Ali, "I have a daughter. Who would be worthy of her husband by thee?", He replied, 'A man is obedient to God. Because if he likes, he will respect it and if he was angry, he does not like doing injustice to him ". (Fiqh Sunnah, chapter Choosing a Husband)
Third, healthy communication
Communication elements is the presence of the person giving the message, the person receiving the message, the message itself, and both sides understand each message. Is not called a communication, if each party can not understand the messages that are intended by either party.
Openness, honesty and good communication skills as capable of recognizing the condition, situation, time and a good way to convey the message, becomes the key to a healthy communication.
Fourth, understand their respective obligations
Before demanding the right of the pair, berkacalah formerly with the obligations that we should run. A husband should be able to educate, to teach his wife the right to religious education, sufficient, providing a living, love her (put her jealousy), not mendzaliminya, ff. This all requires a good understanding of religion. Prophet once said:
I was closest to his position at the end of the world Had a good person is the most moral and best of you is the best to his family. (Narrated by Al-Rida)
The best of you is the best to his family, and I was the best of you towards my family. People who praise women is a noble person, and those who insulted the woman is a person who does not know the reason. (Narrated by Abu 'Asaakir)
Among the obligations of a husband that is,
Hakim Ibn Muawiyah, from his father Radliyallaahu 'anhu said: I said: Messenger of Allah, whether someone from our obligations towards his wife? He replied: "You feed her when you eat, you give him clothes if you get dressed, do not hit your face, do not be disparaged, and do not accompany sleep except in the house." Narrated by Ahmad, Abu Dawood, Nisaa'i, and Ibn Majah. Most of the hadith was narrated by Bukhari and assessed mu'allaq saheeh by Ibn Hibban and Judge.
Similarly with a wife who shalehah, can be nice, obedient to her husband for not engage in immoral to Allah SWT, to keep his honor, and trust if her husband was not with him.
Allah 'Azza wajalla says (in a hadith Qudsi): "If I wanted to combine the goodness of the world and the hereafter for a Muslim then I will make a lot of heart and tongue solemn remembrance. He was impatient in the face of suffering and I joined him with a wonderful wife who mukminah when he looked at it, can preserve the honor of him, and preserve her husband's property when her husband was not with him. (Narrated Ath-Thahawi)
However, a wedding is not a rigid interaction between the rights and obligations, but must also be flexible, supple, and this requires kepahaman each spouse.
Fifth, understand the character, traits, attitudes and preferences of your partner
Steven Covey in the book Seven Habit for Highly Efective Browse include one of the criteria for an effective person, that is seek first to understand, than to be understood, understand others first, before asking others to understand you.
Each individual is unique, there is no equal. Even within one keluargapun, between the brothers do not necessarily have the character, nature and liking the same. Therefore, understanding the character, nature and the couple's favorite of course be essential.
Find out what he likes, which he did not like, that pleased him, which he hated, that made him happy, which made him angry, and so on. And compromise it by your self.
Sixth, give thanks
However the condition of your spouse, be grateful, because it could be he was the most appropriate partner for you. Do not "look to the right-left" when there are things that are less in pairs, are equally correct, mutual introspection, eager to increase the good in each, also on your spouse yourself.
Or curative treatment
Once conflict, several points below may be useful,
First, hold the anger
Resentful, disappointed, and angry, are examples of other forms of channeling emotions. Anger is not prohibited, especially if it is because right reasons, at the right place, at the time / the right moment, to the right people, and with a proportional level.
Emotions had to be channeled, but sometimes, there are several other ways better than channeling it through anger.
A friend said to the Prophet, "O Messenger of Allah, berpesanlah to me." Prophet says, "Do not like angry (emotion)." Friend was asked repeatedly and repeatedly fixed the Prophet says, "Do not like mad." (Narrated by Bukhari)
Some ways you can do to reduce the anger that is displaced (eg, from sitting to standing), ablutions, and read ta'awudz (audzubillahiminassyaitannirrajim).
Holding anger is not easy, hence Rasulullah SAW said,
"Strong people are not people who win wrestling, but the strong man is one who can restrain himself when angry." (Peace be upon Muttafaq.)
Second, if emotions, resist themselves from taking decisions which might be regretted
If anyone of you are angry, let silence. (Narrated by Ahmad)
We certainly do not want to regret a decision that resulted in conditions that are full of emotion, because at this moment, we are a mind does not function properly. With the same argument, there are some scholars who declared invalid divorce a husband in anger.
Calm yourself first, clear his mind, cool head, so the decision was not a regret in the future.
Third, self-correction
Do not easily blame the other party, try self-correction, too, could be, the conflict caused by our participation in it.
Fourth, give good advice
By period. Behold, the man really is in loss, Except those who believe and do righteous deeds and exhort one another to adhere to truth and exhort one another to fulfill patience. (Surat al-'Asyr: 1-3)
Above letter talking about the relationship of interaction with all Muslims, including also for our partners.
If any negligence / mistake / error, a reprimand would be more beautiful if that came out of good advice, with good words, and with good ways.
How can we say with words that are not good to our own spouse, is to those non-Muslims and the opponents of God alone, Allah has commanded us to say with a good way?
Fifth, if you need to use violence
Women who ye fear rebellion, admonish them and separate them in their beds, and beat them. Then if they obey, and ye shall find one's way to him. Indeed, Allah Most High, Most Great. (Surat An-Nisa ': 34)
At the level of conflict is heavy, and difficult to resolve, sometimes conflict can be resolved with firmness.
There are steps that must be executed, advised in advance, after you can not, do separate bed (but still in a same house), if still not possible, beat, with a blow that left no trace and not in the face. These stages should not be made to jump over the previous stages.
But from various sirah / history of the Prophet that I read, it looks like I have never found this example. This means that indeed a solution like this, only for a very casuistic.
The only example of the penalty by force I have ever read from the Prophet that when the Prophet Job, the U.S. must carry out his vow to beat his wife 100 times, but it is also using the grass, which certainly will not be how sick.
And take in your hand a bundle (of grass), then beat with it and do not violate the oath. Truly We found him (Job) of a patient. He was the best of servants. Indeed she is very obedient (to Allah). (Surah Sad: 44)
Sixth, third party
And if ye fear a dispute between the two, then send an Hakam family man and a woman from a family Hakam. If both people Hakam was intended to make amends, surely Allah facilitate a husband and wife. Surely Allah is Knower, Aware. (Surat An-Nisa ': 35)
If it is felt necessary, engage a third party that could become a mediator, facilitator, can be a family party, or from a professional party like a marriage counselor.
Seventh, do not involve children in conflict
Do not make a block in the household, by looking for supporters or allies of the dispute that happened between the couple.
A child could have been confused himself with the conflicts experienced by parents, there is enough to just load they experienced.
Eighth, when the divorce should occur
If there is no other way that can be reached, and have taken the worst solution in the form of a divorce, make sure to be a good way. Marriage begins with a good thing, then it should also end with a good way.
Some important points to be focused during the divorce process such as the following:
Divorce should not be made at the time of the women in this time of menstruation or childbirth, a new divorce valid if the woman says in a clean state.
There is a period of post marital divorce, marital period is the time interval with a span of time three times purification of menstruation, so obviously there is no seed in the womb of the husband and wife. And during these iddah, the wife should stay home with one husband, and is also within marital, couples may be referring to both sides without the need for repeated re-marriage.
If you already have a child, with the divorce, the biggest victim is his son. Do not ignore their rights, and help her through her parents divorce crisis.
Keep the feeling of parental and father in law is also very likely to experience a difficult time with their children experienced a divorce. Notice also this!
Ninth, repent and be forgiving
No human is perfect, there must be errors or omissions that may occur.
For those who feel guilty, do the terms of repentance. Left sin / mistake, sorry, do not repeat it and do good to cover the ugliness of the past-error. Make repentance nasuhah, really, because basically, you're just not making mistakes on your spouse, but also has violated the commitment / pledge to Allah SWT.
For those who "harmed", be forgiving, continue and preserve your wedding ties with the steps better. Not easy to put aside ill feelings in the liver, but not something that is not possible to continue the marriage within the frame of a new and better.
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Hopefully with the things mentioned above, the conflicts that exist in the household does not become a thing that destroys the bond of marriage, but can be managed with a positive spirit.
Beyond that, remember to always be Muslims who are obedient to God wherever we are. Takwa means stay away from all larangannNya and perform all His commandments.
Fear Allah wherever you are, iringilah necessarily erase the bad with the good and pergauilah man with good morals "(Reported by At-Turmuzi)
Armed with faith and piety, God willing, there will never be conflict that is too large to be passed by both pairs.
And make a family, as one means to achieve keridhoanNya, to reach the door of heaven, and take heart to maintain family ties that can always come together, both in the world, and later in the gardens of paradise. Hopefully, God willing.
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Jakarta, 14 April 2009
Syamsul Arifin
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